Pastor Tim's Perspective "Hell On Earth Day"
I want to start by saying how proud I am of Natalya, I have watched her on the road to healing and am convinced that she is a special person that can affect the lives of so many with her story and the healing that has taken place. I also want to make clear that my intention in sharing events from my perspective is not to demonize or to make anyone, other than the perpetrator, look bad. My intent is to tell the story as it happened so that we can all learn. I do believe that those involved have learned some lessons through this and would handle events differently today.
I remember that Sunday very well. I was a pastors assistant at the church Natalya attended, My wife had stayed home, our son had been born just about 3 week prior and she was exhausted and needed a break so I went to church without her. After the service I was in my office when Natalya and another lady in the church, Anna, came in. Natalya asked if she could talk to me and I immediately knew something was not right. She then began to tell me that her dad had been touching her inappropriately and was sexually abusing her. I don't know how to describe the way that I felt other than to say I KNEW it was true. I knew it was true and yet I was not sure what to do about it. I had never come across this before and was unsure of the next step. I asked several questions all the while thinking about my next step. After I thought about it I decided that the next course of action would be to take it to the pastor……here is the catch, I am Natalya’s uncle and the pastor was her grandfather. Looking back I should have handled it differently, but again I was in uncharted territory and had never had any type of training on how to handle this type of situation. I told Natalya that we needed to go into her grandfathers office and tell him what happened. We went in and she told him, he also asked some questions and then told her that she had to confront her father in the office face to face.
Here is the thing, Natalya’s father had already been working on all of us in a very subtle way. He had told us that Natalya was acting out and been caught lying on several occasions. I now believe he was “preparing” us for the day that Natalya came forward. Because of this the situation began to be handled like a rebellious, acting out, mad teenager instead of an abuse victim. To say that it got ugly would be an understatement. I remember the yelling and the accusing. I remember Natalya being told she was destroying the family. I remember all of the anger lashed out at her…… I remember because I just sat there. I believed her and yet I sat there while she was ganged up on by her grandparents, mom and dad……… I remember one line of questioning about specific dates that the abuse took place, I remember her being told that “real victims remember the dates, they cant forget.” I’m not sure what happened but I reached a point where I could not keep silent. I had to speak up…… I stood up and yelled, “You all do not know what you are doing. You will never get to the truth this way.” and I stormed out the door.
Natalya, I am sorry. I am sorry that I did not speak on your behalf sooner, I am sorry that I did not stand up for you sooner, I am sorry that once I did stand up I left you alone. I am sorry that you felt abandoned, I’m sorry, I did not know what to do and I am sorry.
When I left the room I jumped in my car and drove home. I busted in the front door and yelled to my wife in the back of the house, “Pack up we are leaving.” I told her what had happened and that I felt like there was going to be a cover up and that I was not going to be a part of it. Obviously she was shaken and disturbed by the events. She left me with our son and drove to the church. I don't know what happened at the church after I left, other than Natalya was going to go stay with her grandparents for a while to get some space from her dad.
Needless to say my wife and I did not sleep much that night. We both believed Natalya and yet we did not know what steps to take. We also knew that standing up for her meant standing against the family and that is always tricky thing. I don't know that we reached any answers that night but we searched. The next day we were called to my in-laws house because we were told that Natalya wanted to talk to us. Natalya told us that the whole thing was not true. She said that it was all just some dreams she had. I didn't believe her, my wife didn't believe her. We both asked her several questions and I tried to get across that I had believed her original story. She insisted that it was just a dream. I remember asking her, “Natalya, you either lied to me yesterday or you are lying now, which is it.” She told me she had lied yesterday. My wife even asked “how do we know she is not just saying this today to stay out of trouble?” I later found out that she had been pressured though some intense questioning to say that it was just a dream.
My wife and I left in a very familiar place, again we did not know what to do. We still believed her original story and yet here she is telling me its not true. Again we did not get much sleep that night. For the next several days things were tense. It was not until her father was caught on a bank camera forging a stolen church check that her story started gaining some traction. I have looked back on those series of events as a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing that Natalya’s story was finally believed and she was rescued from her father and yet it was a curse because it made Natalya feel as if money was more important to her family that she was. I know that the thought crossed her mind, “no one believed that her would do this to me until his actions cost them money and now they can believe me.”
There are many more nuances and other things that happened but that is the short version of what happened from my perspective. This is just the raw facts of what happened over those days. The journey was much longer. If Natalya wishes I could write about her and her family living with my wife and I and the journey that look place. I could write from the perspective of a minister and how churches can be a breeding ground for this type of thing……. Churches need help and training. Believe me there is more than can be put in one blog post.
I look at Natalya’s journey as a blessing and a curse. A curse because of the abuse and pain that Natalya has been through and yet it has been a blessing because I have become educated on the scourge that is sexual abuse. Because of her I have learned what to do if someone ever confides in me again. I have learned the steps and process of healing for those that have been abused, I have learned how to love those that have been abused, I have learned that the healing process is ugly and yet beautiful at the same time. I have learned that most people do not understand how abuse affects people. I have learned many lessons. As a minister I believe that God can redeem anything, including our pain. When God redeems something he uses it to bring redemption to others. I fully believe that this blog is part of God’s redeeming of Natalya’s pain and through her healing others will find healing.
Natalya, I love you more than you will ever know. I am thankful for the relationship we have developed over the years. I am proud of you and the woman you have become. You continue to amaze me with your strength. Your love for people shines through. People will not always understand where you are coming from and may at times question the wisdom of posting your story for the whole world to see……. IGNORE THEM!!!! Your story needs to be told, your story will help hundreds if not thousands of people on their own journey. But know this, even if not one other person hears your story, even if no one else is challenged and changes by your story, your aunt and I have been. Our lives have forever been impacted by the courage of a 15 year old girl that told her story.
I remember that Sunday very well. I was a pastors assistant at the church Natalya attended, My wife had stayed home, our son had been born just about 3 week prior and she was exhausted and needed a break so I went to church without her. After the service I was in my office when Natalya and another lady in the church, Anna, came in. Natalya asked if she could talk to me and I immediately knew something was not right. She then began to tell me that her dad had been touching her inappropriately and was sexually abusing her. I don't know how to describe the way that I felt other than to say I KNEW it was true. I knew it was true and yet I was not sure what to do about it. I had never come across this before and was unsure of the next step. I asked several questions all the while thinking about my next step. After I thought about it I decided that the next course of action would be to take it to the pastor……here is the catch, I am Natalya’s uncle and the pastor was her grandfather. Looking back I should have handled it differently, but again I was in uncharted territory and had never had any type of training on how to handle this type of situation. I told Natalya that we needed to go into her grandfathers office and tell him what happened. We went in and she told him, he also asked some questions and then told her that she had to confront her father in the office face to face.
Here is the thing, Natalya’s father had already been working on all of us in a very subtle way. He had told us that Natalya was acting out and been caught lying on several occasions. I now believe he was “preparing” us for the day that Natalya came forward. Because of this the situation began to be handled like a rebellious, acting out, mad teenager instead of an abuse victim. To say that it got ugly would be an understatement. I remember the yelling and the accusing. I remember Natalya being told she was destroying the family. I remember all of the anger lashed out at her…… I remember because I just sat there. I believed her and yet I sat there while she was ganged up on by her grandparents, mom and dad……… I remember one line of questioning about specific dates that the abuse took place, I remember her being told that “real victims remember the dates, they cant forget.” I’m not sure what happened but I reached a point where I could not keep silent. I had to speak up…… I stood up and yelled, “You all do not know what you are doing. You will never get to the truth this way.” and I stormed out the door.
Natalya, I am sorry. I am sorry that I did not speak on your behalf sooner, I am sorry that I did not stand up for you sooner, I am sorry that once I did stand up I left you alone. I am sorry that you felt abandoned, I’m sorry, I did not know what to do and I am sorry.
When I left the room I jumped in my car and drove home. I busted in the front door and yelled to my wife in the back of the house, “Pack up we are leaving.” I told her what had happened and that I felt like there was going to be a cover up and that I was not going to be a part of it. Obviously she was shaken and disturbed by the events. She left me with our son and drove to the church. I don't know what happened at the church after I left, other than Natalya was going to go stay with her grandparents for a while to get some space from her dad.
Needless to say my wife and I did not sleep much that night. We both believed Natalya and yet we did not know what steps to take. We also knew that standing up for her meant standing against the family and that is always tricky thing. I don't know that we reached any answers that night but we searched. The next day we were called to my in-laws house because we were told that Natalya wanted to talk to us. Natalya told us that the whole thing was not true. She said that it was all just some dreams she had. I didn't believe her, my wife didn't believe her. We both asked her several questions and I tried to get across that I had believed her original story. She insisted that it was just a dream. I remember asking her, “Natalya, you either lied to me yesterday or you are lying now, which is it.” She told me she had lied yesterday. My wife even asked “how do we know she is not just saying this today to stay out of trouble?” I later found out that she had been pressured though some intense questioning to say that it was just a dream.
My wife and I left in a very familiar place, again we did not know what to do. We still believed her original story and yet here she is telling me its not true. Again we did not get much sleep that night. For the next several days things were tense. It was not until her father was caught on a bank camera forging a stolen church check that her story started gaining some traction. I have looked back on those series of events as a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing that Natalya’s story was finally believed and she was rescued from her father and yet it was a curse because it made Natalya feel as if money was more important to her family that she was. I know that the thought crossed her mind, “no one believed that her would do this to me until his actions cost them money and now they can believe me.”
There are many more nuances and other things that happened but that is the short version of what happened from my perspective. This is just the raw facts of what happened over those days. The journey was much longer. If Natalya wishes I could write about her and her family living with my wife and I and the journey that look place. I could write from the perspective of a minister and how churches can be a breeding ground for this type of thing……. Churches need help and training. Believe me there is more than can be put in one blog post.
I look at Natalya’s journey as a blessing and a curse. A curse because of the abuse and pain that Natalya has been through and yet it has been a blessing because I have become educated on the scourge that is sexual abuse. Because of her I have learned what to do if someone ever confides in me again. I have learned the steps and process of healing for those that have been abused, I have learned how to love those that have been abused, I have learned that the healing process is ugly and yet beautiful at the same time. I have learned that most people do not understand how abuse affects people. I have learned many lessons. As a minister I believe that God can redeem anything, including our pain. When God redeems something he uses it to bring redemption to others. I fully believe that this blog is part of God’s redeeming of Natalya’s pain and through her healing others will find healing.
Natalya, I love you more than you will ever know. I am thankful for the relationship we have developed over the years. I am proud of you and the woman you have become. You continue to amaze me with your strength. Your love for people shines through. People will not always understand where you are coming from and may at times question the wisdom of posting your story for the whole world to see……. IGNORE THEM!!!! Your story needs to be told, your story will help hundreds if not thousands of people on their own journey. But know this, even if not one other person hears your story, even if no one else is challenged and changes by your story, your aunt and I have been. Our lives have forever been impacted by the courage of a 15 year old girl that told her story.